How to Mend a Broken Relationship

Suppose you call your partners or friends as “a bum. . . so damn . . . really stupid . . . an idiot . . .” and a lot of other harsh words just because you were angry. We said so many mean things. We can no longer take our words back. We have been hurt. So we fought back. We just expressed our feelings. You have a long term relationship but it all suddenly ended. It has been strained. It has been damaged. We felt it is already hopeless to patch things up. But you said that you love your partner. You love your family. You love your friends. You value them so much. Can we still mend a broken relationship?

Remember our last article on Factors Why People Fight? We cited the factors and several things we fought about that affect us. If we get the whole picture of these factors, we will be able to understand our partners, families and friends better than we usually do. We will have more chances of fixing our broken relationship and starting a new one by remembering this most important word - - - PATIENCE!

PRAY

- If you don’t believe in prayers, then ask somebody to pray for you. You don’t have to be a too religious person to pray. Nobody needs to know that you are praying. It is a relationship between you and our heavenly Father. Express yourself. Say it through prayer. A prayer should always be our first recourse rather than our last resort.

If you feel that two of your friends are fighting over something . . . so Pray

If you feel that you hate your friend because he has betrayed you . . . so Pray.

If you feel that your relationship has been strained because of harsh words . . . so Pray

If you feel that you hate your mom because she favors your other siblings over you . . . so Pray

If you feel that you hate your boss because he is too strict and shouts often . . . so Pray

If you feel that your fiancée or husband is cheating over you . . . so Pray

If you feel that you were hurt . . . so Pray

A bible verse in Philippians 4:6 says “In everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.” Nothing is more powerful than a sincere prayer to mend a broken relationship.

ACCEPTANCE

- After our prayers, we also have to do our part. Here are four steps to acceptance - - -

First, we need to accept that we have made a mistake. Oh yes, I know. It was not your mistake but he was the one who did you wrong. Almost everyone of us says that. I understand but in any relationship it has to be a give and take process. You were right. He started the fight. However, you might have not contributed to the big balls of fire if you didn’t give in to your anger. Our biggest mistake is we failed to control our temper and pride. Accept it!

Secondly, we need to accept the situation. We made a mistake. Our partners and friends made their mistakes. We were hurt and we hurt them in return. We now have a strained relationship.

Thirdly, we need to accept that we still want our relationship to continue. Not unless you are willing to patch things up between you and your partner, between you and your friends, or between you and your parents or siblings, then nothing will change. We need to accept that we are willing to do our part in mending our broken relationship.

Lastly, we need to accept that each of us have our own strengths and weaknesses. It doesn’t mean that if we are together again, everything will go well. Not unless we learn to accept each other’s positive and negative areas, we will have a hard time understanding each other.

TALK TO THE PERSON

- Let us say, there were three of you in your group. If two of them had disagreements with each other, then all of you were affected. It ended up in a strained relationship. If we are already done with the four steps to acceptance, we now need to talk to the person or people involved. But I don’t want to do the first move? Just think of this, pride ends it up but humility goes a long way . Things will not be easy but take one step at a time.

First, go to your closest friend and tell him/ her that you want to patch things up between the three of you. Express your feelings. Tell your friend that you love both of them. You are hoping that the three of you will be together again.

Secondly, probe and ask questions to verify the other person’s view of reconciliation . Questions such as “Do you miss those times that we were all together? How do you feel about it? How did he/ she hurt you? What can I do to bring back the old times? How about giving our relationship a second chance?” Never interrupt while your friend is still talking. That’s a No, No! If you can possibly convince her to go with you and talk to your other friend then, it is much better. If not, don’t force her because it would make things worst. Just inform her that you plan to talk to your other friend. Do the same process with your other friend.

Lastly, set an appointment in a private place where the three of you can meet and talk. Tell them that time heals and all you need to do is to give your relationship another chance to work out.

If there is no third party involved then you can settle things by expressing your feelings and probing questions in order to understand your partner.

Just remember this when you talk to the person, do not expect anything in return if you give something. It will surely make you unhappy.

INTERACT WITH EACH OTHER

- Make sure that you continue to communicate with each other. Take time-out from your busy schedule. Set activities that will make you all enjoy the day. Get updates about the other person if you have not been together for quite sometime. This creates an open communication between you and your partners, family or friends. An open communication strengthens a relationship. However, always remember not to commit the same mistake. Try to control your temper and your pride. Stand as a mediator if you were not directly involved in your friends’ fight. Let them feel closer to each other.

EVALUATE YOURSELF

- There are two types of mindset, which are the Fixed Mindset and the Growth Mindset. A Fixed Mindset is when your mind is already fixated on something. For instance, we already have an advanced computer technology but your mindset is still stuck with the old technology of using a typewriter. Another example is when a person who experienced wild fire. He lost everything. He thinks that there is no longer hope to survive. The other type is the Growth Mindset that is the person thinks that he can still do something in order to surpass all obstacles in life. He is open to new ideas and technology. He is willing to learn and grow.

This step is simply a self-evaluation of what type of mindset do you want to adapt and actions you are willing to take. Ask yourself, am I willing to adapt a Growth Mindset or a Fixed Mindset in our relationship? Am I still stuck with all those doubts and worries in mind? What have I done to hurt my partner or friend? What can I do to settle things? Up to what extent do I want to go? Are we compatible? Do I still enjoy his/ her company?

NURTURE SELF and RELATIONSHIP

- In the book Living, Loving & Learning written by Leo Buscaglia, Ph.D., he said that “Love is learned, fear is learned, prejudice is learned, hate is learned, concern is learned, responsibility is learned, commitment is learned, respect is learned, kindness and gentility are learned. All of these are learned in a society, in the house, in a relationship.”

A person who refuses to learn will have a hard time mending a broken relationship. Just like our physical body, we need to eat to live and to grow. We need to go to church to nourish our spiritual being. Our individual self and our relationship need to be taken care of in order to have a healthy relationship. How? You can read self-help and inspirational books that may also give you ideas.

CONSULT EXPERTS

- It is always helpful to learn from another person’s experience. It depends upon the situation of how deep or shallow our strained relationship. We can always consult our dilemma or difficulties with the experts. We can seek advice from Life Coaches, Marriage Counselors and Guidance Counselors. They are the experts in terms of handling human relationships. We can also discuss things with our Church Priests or Pastors. They can also pray for us. If you think your case is too complicated, then perhaps, you can go and see a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist. These people have an advanced knowledge to help you analyze your situation.

You may also ask your parents to share their experience about their relationship. You may also learn from their thoughts and experiences. Just be open minded at all times. However, you will always have to make your final decision.

EXTEND TRUST and SUPPORT

When we want to mend a broken relationship, we need to adapt a Growth Mindset. We need to be willing to give that relationship another chance. By so doing, we then need to extend trust and support to each other. I understand that it is not easy to trust the person again who has cheated you. It is hard. But not unless you trust him/ her again, you will always have doubts in your mind. Support one another. Instead of asking, what can my partner or friends do to me? Why not try asking yourself, what can I do to him to make him happy and grow?

In whatever relationship we have. . . PATIENCE will always work out. However, we always need to bear in mind the importance of understanding relationship communication. Mending a relationship doesn’t stop here. Perhaps, we can discuss in details on “How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship” in a separate article.